“Why did you choose to stay? You know it’s better if you just leave, right?” 

This statement is not something new when it comes out from someone who is witnessing a close friend or someone else that is enduring an abusive relationship. 

It is a simple concept for a watcher, but it is not as easy as it sounds when it comes to the victim. 

With the current statistics about domestic violence happening in Malaysia, the minister of Women, Family and Society Empowerment, Datuk Seri Dr Noraini Ahmad has stated that there was an increase of recorded domestic violence cases by the Polis Diraja Malaysia (PDRM), when we compare to 2023 and 2024, there is a difference in about 1,609 cases happening, in which there are 7,116 cases in 2024 while there is 5,507 cases in 2023. 

So, why is this phenomenon still happening? 

Why can’t victims just get themselves out of this situation? 

Why do they choose to stay and endure?

This is where we have to fully understand and get into more depth on the reasons why they choose to stay and why it takes on average 7 to 12 times of leaving attempts before they actually do in abusive relationships. 

Some of the reasons why some people choose to stay in abusive relationships is due to fear of being alone and having a low self-worth. 

People who do not like to be with themselves would rather stay with anyone, even if the person ends up hurting them most of the time. 

Some relationships have even been going on for many years, especially when it comes to marriage, so some people will choose to stay due to the fact that they have invested so much of their time and energy on the relationship and they believe it would be a “waste” to leave or they have the fear of starting something new all over again. 

This phenomenon is known as a Sunk-Cost Fallacy, where a person is reluctant to abandon a relationship because they already invested heavily in it, even if it is much more obvious that leaving it is the right thing to do. 

Holding onto the hope that the abuser will change is also making them choose to not leave also, which is actually more about seeing the partner’s potential rather than seeing their actual self. 

It sure takes a lot of disappointments because they do not meet the victim’s expectations but it sure is clouding their judgement to see the red flags, only because they are too hyper focused on the hope that they will change and be better. 

Sense of familiarity is also one of the solid reasons why this phenomenon keeps on happening. 

It is already a well known fact that a person’s perception and emotional attachment developed since childhood will influence the formation of healthy and unhealthy relationships due to the feeling of security of their relationship with their parents. 

Therefore, adults that grew up with caregivers that have inconsistent behaviour or don’t meet their emotional needs will likely be drawn to abusive people, solely because they will feel that the behaviour is familiar and it also makes them assume that they know this person since forever.

So, as a bystander from all of these scenarios, what can we actually do to help these victims break out of this abusive cycle? 

Luckily, in Malaysia, there are many helplines that we can contact to help domestic violence victims such as TINA, Pusat Perkhidmatan Wanita (PPW), Talian Kasih 15999 hotline and many more to ask for social support and psychological help for the victims. 

Giving significant and strong support is the best way to help these victims as some of them will believe they are alone and not deserving to change their situation. 

Always show an openness towards them, so they would not keep their problems to themselves and in cases of domestic violence, we can help victims by searching for shelters that they can live in, making a police report and even doing simple actions such as educating ourselves about abusive relationships in order to understand better about the situation, so that we can come up with solutions that we see fit. 

The most significant tip to help an abused victim is to never put the blame on them. 

It is never their fault that they are stuck in an abusive relationship because we already know from the start that no one asked to be in this situation. 

As a bystander, we can help them understand that the behaviours they are experiencing are not normal and they should not tolerate it. 

Some victims would even believe that they are personally responsible for their partner’s explosive behaviours, so we as an outsider should make them realise that that is not the case. 

We as a society should read and understand more about abusive relationships and we should never put the blame right away on the victims especially when they need our help the most. 

Being a well-informed and supportive society will also be the key to counter the domestic violence cases that are increasing in Malaysia. 

Small changes can make a big difference.